Of Hearts and Cakes and the Meaning of Both

Lirelexa was on a mission.

Not a mission for the Organization, however. The small, timid french-man had his fair share of missions of course, but they were mostly partner missions nowadays. He was practically useless on his own, to be honest. Too small and weak to be an effective fighter, and too unsure of himself and clumsy to be of any use on any kind of mission requiring any amount of delicacy. Recently though, all that had changed, since the day he'd been put on his first partner mission with the Nobody Regexs.

In his case, it seemed, the Superiors had forgone their usual ritual of assigning each new member to their first partner mission with Zaxin. Thank God for that, though. Lir was sure had he actually been forced to undergo a mission with Zaxin, who was famous, or rather infamous, for being the worst partner in the history of the Organization, he probably would have died. At the time he had been sure he was going to die, of course, but more because of the Nobody who had been assigned as his partner in place of Zaxin, than any fear of being left behind or tripped up.

Regexs had been terrifying the first time Lir had actually been up close to him. He'd only seen the other Nobody in passing once before this, for a brief moment leaving the kitchens, a few months before. He'd almost fainted the first time he'd laid eyes on the behemoth of a man, so unexpected was his sudden appearance in the doorway of the kitchen Lir practically called home. Tall as a tree, broad as a sea-side cliff, with dark, coal gray skin and bright, burning red eyes; the older man was quite a startling sight, lit up from behind in the light filtering in from the hallway so that all his face was cast in shadow, save for those glowing red eyes. Lir had stared at the man, caught like a rabbit under the stare of those coal-fire eyes, unable to move, unable to think, even unable to draw breath he was so frightened. He must have been attracted by the little yelp Lir had given moments before when, after flicking the lights off for the night, he'd brushed his hand against a still hot pan after fumbling around the room like an idiot because only the day before someone had decided to rearrange the whole kitchen on him.

He hadn't known then that the older man meant him no harm, that the light filtering over the man's shoulder had lit up his own eyes, starfire-bright and shining with sudden tears of fear, with an almost ethereal glow before he'd hastily lowered them and bolted past the man. His only intent to flee, as fast and as far as he could, his little body almost vibrating with absolute fear. He hadn't known the older man could smell his fear, sense it like an animal. That he wouldn't have attacked such a small, defenseless thing with such bright, beautiful eyes if his life depended on it. All he'd known was that remembered fear whenever a man bigger than him was in the room; a constant memory that plagued him daily, and made his nights utter hell with nightmares of the horrible things that had once been the only life he'd known.

The day before that first partner mission, Lir had been almost sick with fear. Wretched at the same time, because of how terribly he'd acted to the older man, when Regexs had been so friendly to him on the mobile. He'd even ended up bringing Lir to his room from the Library, standing in front of the closed door for almost an hour before Lir, feeling guilty but still scared, had opened it and allowed him inside his room. The older man had immediately turned to face the door once it had been closed and glared at it, making sure to put his large body between the dread portal and the smaller boy. Lir had watched for another terrified half-hour, during which Regexs hardly moved, only to shift his weight from foot to foot, like a restless horse, and glare steadfastly at the door. Protecting Lir, as he'd said. Terror had soon faded to bewildered bemusement, and Lir found himself suddenly fascinated by this odd, older man.

On the phone, Regexs had claimed something so ridiculous, that until Lir had seen the man in person again, he'd hardly known what to think of it. A man, who had been born a horse, lost his heart and become a man-shaped Nobody? How absurd could one get! And yet..Lir knew next to nothing about Nobodies, and all the ins and outs of being one. A few other Nobodies he'd seen had claimed to have been animals, before they'd lost their heart. Little Zelhax, who had proclaimed Lir an instant friend upon meeting him, had claimed to have once been a deer. And even the little deer-child's huge, terrifying boyfriend, Obiastx, had apparently once been a crow. A few others, like the huge and perpetually angry Noxsha, and the voluptuous, friendly (yet still dismaying, to Lir anyway) Golivex, did have animal-like qualities.

Of course, upon seeing Regexs, and observing his behavior, Lir had been left with almost no doubt in his mind that this man had indeed once lived a more equine life-style. Or indeed, he was a terribly good actor. Lir could not conscience the latter, however, for after being with the man even a few short minutes, one could see that he was incredibly earnest, and perhaps had never known the meaning of the word lie. And that small admission was possibly the greatest comfort any man could ever have given Lirelexa, who though he could never trust a real man, had come to the conclusion that maybe, just possibly, it would be okay if he allowed this man-shaped horse to 'protect him', as the older man had begged to be allowed to do.

Lir still wasn't quite sure why Regexs wanted to protect him; he didn't know the man, had never spoken to him up until the night before their first mission. Perhaps the only link they shared, though this indeed was something so absolutely remarkable that one could hardly take it as coincidence, that both men had hailed from the same world, the same region, and indeed the very same small, provincial French countryside town. Though of course Regexs hadn't known much of the town itself, having only been in so far as it's streets and it's one smithy. Still, that remarkable little miracle, so unexpected and brimming the young man's chest with a desperate nostalgia, had prompted Lirelexa to allow the man a small amount of trust. A terribly difficult thing, for a Nobody who ruled over the power of Distrust, and whose past gave him even more reason not to trust any human being at all, let alone a man.

And so, prompted by some insane little whim, Lirelexa had offered the older man a seat on his bed. At first the older man had refused, saying that it would be more difficult for him to watch the door if he were sitting on the bed, but after some cajoling, and reassurance that the door was firmly locked and could not possibly be opened without one or both of them hearing it, Regexs had reluctantly relocated his vast bulk to the bed. There Lir had watched him for a little while more, noting the strange triangular shape of the man's ear, set high on his head and only slightly peeking out from the dark fall of his inky black hair. The solemn set of his strong, and admittedly handsome (once you got over the strange coal-gray color) face as he watched the door, blowing air and snorting occasional from his nose, just like an alert and watchful stallion would do if he was watching over his mare in the field. (Though Lir's cheeks coloured at the thought that he was the stand in for this particular stallion's mare. The very thought!)

And, most surprising of all, Lir had felt a strange and unfamiliar calm settle over him as he watched the older man who watched the door, though Lir could catch the occasional dart of those coal-red eyes as the flickered briefly over to him and then back to the door. As if the man were reaffirming that the young french-man were beside him still before he would look back to the door and resume him watch. And Lir knew now that the man would have been prepared to spend the whole night sitting there, watching the door like an immovable sentry, not prepared to let anything pass and trouble his young, defenseless charge. Lir had felt..for the first time in what must have been a decade or more..the boy had felt safe.

He'd watched until he'd felt his eyes drooping from exhaustion, mixed with the warm and unknown security and wonderful peacefulness of safety. But he couldn't have left Regexs sitting there all night, his conscience wouldn't have allowed it. So, after a few minutes of quiet wheedling on Lir's part, he finally convinced the larger man to lie down on the bed.

They'd lain there, Regexs on his back, and still staring at the door, his head propped up slightly by Lir's pillow. And Lir on the far, far side of the bed, squished into his little customary ball, watching the older man warily, though half-heartedly, and more from a sort of habit than anything. His eyes had dropped, as had Regexs' and they'd drifted off to bed. Though not before of course, Lir had explained the purpose of pillows, blankets, sheets and all the others bedclothes that were always piled high and fluffy on Lir's rather large bed. He'd been terribly amused at the older man's surprise upon sitting on the bed and sinking almost a foot lower into it. And he'd had to hide a little laugh of delight at the horse-like huffs and snuffs that Regexs had made as he'd explored the sheets and blankets, running his large hands over the soft and silky fabrics as he looked with wide eyes at all the different colors and patterns of the blankets that were piled high on Lir's bed.

He'd particularly liked the pillows, squishing them between his huge, ham-like hands to little balls and then letting them go, to spring back into shape again with a little happy horse-burble. And Lir had offered him the largest pillow he owned, a huge thing almost big enough for the boy to curl up on, had he wanted to, though it was barely of adequate size for the older man. Regexs had smiled and whickered happily when Lir had told him he could keep it and use it in his own room, if he wanted, thanking the young man profusely as he'd hugged the pillow to his broad chest and hid the lower half of his face in it, mimicking the actions of the younger man, who'd done the same with one of his own pillows to hide his growing blush.

Soon they'd fallen asleep, and Lir had been amazed and slightly worried when he'd woke later as the bed shook and he jumped up, looking to the mountain of the other man on his back as he kicked out a leg again with a sleepy snort. He'd been dead asleep, and snoring loudly like a whickery band-saw. At first, Lir had watched, sleep-dazed and unsure what to do, till the snoring became too much and he tentatively reached out a hand and pushed the older man's arm to wake him. Regexs had slept on, unaware, his snoring reaching a new crescendo as Lir realized that there was a trail of drool glistening at the corner of his open mouth. The sight had been so absolutely unexpected, so strange and..oddly..adorable, that Lir had found himself giggling. He hadn't been able to stop laughing for almost five minutes before he'd calmed himself enough to swallow  his laughs, though he needn't fear of waking the horse-like man. Soon enough though, the novelty had worn thin as Regexs' snores grew louder and louder, until Lir practically had to cover his ears to keep himself sane.

"Mon dieu!" The younger man had yelled, uncharacteristically throwing out a hand to smack the older man across the chest, "Regexs, STOP!" The older man had coughed when the little hand had hit his chest, snorted and then shifted some, but still he snored on. Lir, almost at this wits end with the noise, did the only thing he could think of, and raising a pillow high, brought it down once, twice, and three times across the older man's face. Regexs' eyelashes fluttered as Lir cowered down in his blankets, afraid suddenly that he may have gone too far and that the man would wake angry, and violent. But instead the man just shifted again, brought a large hand up to brush over his face and smear a little drool down over his chin, and his snoring suddenly lightened, until it was just a pleasant burring that Lir found oddly comforting. He watched the older man for a few minutes, before lying down again. Hesitantly, a small hand reached out across the gap that separated them and after a few moments hesitation, dabbed the corner of one blanket at the older man's lips, wiping up a bit of his drool before the boy retreated once more and finally laid down his own head. A strange and unfamiliar expression crossing his face in the form of a little, tired smile before he finally felt sleep take him yet again.

That had been the first night of many that Regexs ended up sleeping in Lir's room, or even once or twice, Lir in his. For a little while after that, the older man had refused to sleep, embarrassed after the younger man had recounted the night and how he'd snored and drooled and kicked like a mad-horse. Though Lir hadn't, and still didn't, find it alarming at all, and in fact found it rather precious, coming from such a huge, outwardly intimidating man. But very soon, Lir had been able to convince him to lay down, and then sleep. And a little while after that, Lir had woken up to find himself snuggled closely against the sleeping man's side, where he'd rolled during one night. It had become his habitual sleeping spot, molded up against the bigger man so that there was barely a breadth of space between them. Regexs' large, warm bulk had become a comforting, welcome presence to his nights now, and one he could barely sleep without. For it seemed to keep the worst of his nightmares at bay.

He still had nightmares, still woke with them in the middle of the night terrified and breathless and crying with fear. But now he had something other than pillows to hang onto. Now he had something other than the blankets to keep his shivering, that had nothing to do with the temperature, at bay. Now sometimes, if his night terrors were loud enough, he would wake to a comforting voice, a soft hand stroking his hair delicately, as if the older man were afraid he would break him with the slightest contact, and warm, burbling horse whickers and soft, worried horse-nibbling at his fringe, his jaw, or his neck. Increasingly often now, though the times he woke up screaming happened less and less now thanks to Regexs' vigilance, Lir found himself holding back little noises when those warm lips nibbled at his jaw, brushed over the super-sensitive flesh of his neck. Moaning sounds, whimpering sounds, sounds that asked for something else, for something more. For something he should have been terrified of, but couldn't keep his body from wanting , at least where this man was concerned, even though his mind still balked at the thought.

He was so scared though, at the way his body responded whenever Regexs bestowed those unthinking touches that he did. The hugs that had become common place, welcomed, expected and sought-after even. Sometimes he still hesitated, but Regexs was ever patient, ever gentle. Always understanding. It was that understanding, Lir thought, that had doomed him. Regexs knew him. Knew how to act around him. How to speak softly, move slowly and carefully, and keep him from reacting instinctively in fear. He was so kind, so soft with him, that Lir was almost brought to tears every time. Tears of gratitude, of relief, and..possibly of love?

Because Lir had come to love the older man. Oh, yes. He certainly had. He was his knight. His chevalier, in dark and dusky armor. Lirelexa's savior. He was there for him. Protected him, befriended him, coddled him and comforted him when he was frightened, which was often. He was the most amazing man Lir had ever met..And yet..there was indeed where the very problem was. For..no matter how much Lir wished it were so, Reg, his chevalier, was not, in fact, a man. At least not in mind. Not completely.

Lir had never been sure what reason Regexs had had for choosing him. Some whim of his possibly, some animal reason that the small french man could barely wonder at. But, unfortunately for Lir, Regexs was a horse first and foremost. He was an animal, with animal emotions, animal thoughts, animal habits. As much that he knew of horses, Lirelexa couldn't begin to fathom their minds. How they thought, what emotions they were capable of. If it were at all possible for Reg to..love him back, as a man.

It was that uncertainty that had been plaguing him recently, so much so that he'd even taken to avoiding Regexs. Holding himself up in the Library, hiding away in secret rooms, leaving his phone in his room 'accidentally'. He hurt every time he talked to the older man. His throat ached with held-back words, his chest ached with unfamiliar pain, his eyes wet with tears at the slightest provocation. And it had seemed the final straw when, one day while cooking with his new friend Nyoxsn, the other boy had asked him a question that had stopped him cold.

"So you and Reg..are you two like, together or something?" Lir hadn't known how to answer that. Together? What did Nyoxsn mean? The other boy had explained, and Lir had felt his throat tightening at the very thought.

"No..no we aren't together," He'd had to admit to the other boy, "Not like that. I don't even know if he..likes me..like that." Nyoxsn had tipped his head, a bit surprised at the tone the other Nobody's voice had taken. He'd chosen to leave it at that, focusing on their mutual meal instead. And Lir had spent the rest of the time thinking, not chatting happily as he usually did. If he'd been any less of a cook, he probably would have burned their meal, but not even in the midst of inner-turmoil could Lirelexa allow himself to ruin food like that.

That night had been terrible for him. Unable to face Regexs, the boy had retreated into the Library, hiding in the little room Dinexe used to store various things, like her computer, and keeping the door locked firmly against everyone. He'd even left his phone in his room, afraid that Regexs would call or text him when he couldn't find him. He would make up some excuse later, but tonight he needed to be alone. To think without interruptions.

During that night he'd come to a conclusion. Whether Reg actually loved him or not, Lir could not deny his own feelings for the other man. He couldn't quite imagine how he'd come to feel this way for another person, especially a man, horse or not, but he had. He loved Regexs. Loved the way he was with him. Loved every little quirk, the whickers and lip-nibbles, the deep rumbling voice, that broad chest and those huge hands that could have snapped his neck easily, yet were so gentle whenever they touched him. And he couldn't take the chance that he would lose the other man, if he told him how he felt. He couldn't deal with a loss of that magnitude. He couldn't lose another person that he loved to his own foolishness.

But he'd had to do something. He couldn't just keep it bottled inside. It wasn't possible. So he'd thought up a way to give Regexs his feelings, without actually telling him what they were. After that, he thought, I can bear it. I can pretend to just be friends. For the rest of my life, if need be. He'll never know how I feel. But now, he would give him something from his heart. Something that would encompass his deepest soul, so that maybe, just maybe, Regexs would be able to have his love without being forced away.

And that was how he'd found himself in the kitchen a few days hence. He'd spent those few days of thinking looking in book after book for the perfect recipe. What else could he have done besides cook? It was his one talent. His one escape, haven and Eden was the kitchen. He'd almost been afraid he wouldn't find anything, but in one small book he'd found it. The perfect dish. With this, he could reveal his feelings.

It had been a fairly simple recipe, but Lirelexa had wanted to make sure he'd gotten it perfect. He'd spent all day in the kitchen, from very early that morning, chasing out anyone who happened to wander in. Even Zaxin had found himself surprised when a little blur of black and starfire had hurled a large wooden spoon at him and berated him in French till he rushed out the door, not willing to chance the imminent confrontation even for food. With the kitchen to himself, Lir had baked batch after batch. Testing, tasting, and starting over when the current batch wasn't good enough for him. At the best of times the little man bordered on the neurotic when it came to perfection in the kitchen, but this time it was to the point of almost insanity, how carefully he scrutinized each measurement, each ingredient, each finished product.

He'd been so intent he hadn't even noticed the smears of batter that had accumulated on his cheeks, his nose, shirt and apron front. The cheery little pink apron, with it's bright blue "Kiss The Cook" and the added lettering underneath it in little black marker letters "But not really, please!" was literally plastered with batter, flour, bits of egg, and little shaves of apple peels. And yet Lir cooked on, well into the afternoon and on till night. Striving for absolute perfection with almost manic intensity.

And finally, he'd finished. He was exhausted, covered almost head to toe in the debris of extreme baking. But he'd made it. He'd made the perfect expression of his feelings, with all of his love, all of his non-existent heart, and all of his soul put into one little cake, that he'd arranged on a plate before collapsing onto the kitchen island. Closing his eyes, for just a little rest.

That was how Regexs had found him, finally, face flat against the marble top of the island, the small dish still safe beside him. The large man had hesitated for a second, looking around at the usually spotless kitchen and seeing all the carnage that had been wreaked that day. Soft but heavy footsteps took him over to the little sleeping french-man, a large hand reached out, hesitated and then gently stroked a shoulder, jiggling the smaller man slightly as the bigger Nobody spoke softly.

"Lirelexa. Wake up." Black lashes fluttered fitfully, and finally broke apart to reveal the stunning starfire of those purple-silver irises. Lir had looked up with large, sleep-bewildered eyes, and Regexs was worried that the small man would flinch away, he'd been startled out of sleep so quickly. But his fears were unfounded as the smaller man blinked, once, twice and then his face split into such a beautiful smile that Regexs felt his throat close up a little at the sight. Cherubic lashes fluttered down over those starbright eyes as Lirelexa shifted, made a small sleepy noise in the back of his throat, and then suddenly sat up so fast that he startled the other man into jumping back with a horse-like snort.

"Oh! Regexs! It's you!" The horse like man nodded, unsure of what to say but opening his mouth before he was stopped as the little man suddenly whipped up the plate and presented it to him.

"What is it?" The big man asked uncertainly. A rosy blush was spreading over Lir's face, down his neck and past the high collar of the large sweater he wore.

"It's um..it's for you, Reg. I..I wanted to make you something. To thank you." Regexs snorted curiously, head tipping to the side as his ears wiggled, one swinging to the side as the other swung forward uncertainly.

"Thank me..for?" Lir shrugged, pushing the plate toward him and forcing him to take it carefully in his large hands, before stuffing a fork between the fingers of his unoccupied hand.

"Just..a thank you..for..you know.." Regexs whickered again, about to ask for further explanation when a wonderful scent suddenly permeated his nostrils and he looked down at the cake, startled.

It was the heavy, rich smell of light whipped cream, the crisp, fresh scent of summer apples baked to perfection, and the buttery, floury smell of delicious baked goods. A little cake sat on the plate, a generous and precisely placed dab of freshly whipped cream sat atop it. On top of that was a garnish of two small pieces of apple, the skin that was still on them red and blushing just a little pink at the edges, placed carefully and precisely to mimic the unusual heart shape of the little cake beneath. Little dabs of red and white syrup were placed around the cake, shaped with a toothpick to form little hearts going around the cake in a circle. One final garnish, a red candied peel of an apple was placed to the one side of the cake, also fashioned into the shape of a little open heart with red and white hearts inside. It was a beautiful little masterpiece, and Reg was terribly reluctant to eat it, and destroy such a pretty little thing.

"Eat it, go on," Lirelexa prompted, shooing his hands at the bigger man hastily, watching him anxiously with those large starfire eyes.

"Lirelexa..I.."

"Please Reg. I made it for you.." The desperate look in those shining eyes had Reg worried. He'd never seen Lirelexa like this before. His horse senses could pick something up from the younger boy, in the set of his body, the tone of his voice, but he didn't understand what it could be. But..he seemed to want him to eat the cake, so he supposed he must. Lifting the fork hesitantly he delicately cut into the pointed edge of the little heart, and lifted the small piece of cake to his lips. He paused, watching Lir curiously before finally placing the fork into his mouth and closing it around the food.

A long moment of silence filled the kitchen, and Lir found himself squirming as he watched Regexs for any sign that he was at all displeased with the cake he'd made him. Those huge coal-red eyes had widened at the first bite, and Regexs' face went rigid as he tasted the little piece of food.

"It's...amazing!" He suddenly burst out, as the last burst of flavor faded. "It's...it's like nothing I've ever eaten before!" Lir felt his chest tighten and loosen again so fast he thought he might be sick as Regexs suddenly tucked into the cake with enthusiasm.

"I'm..I'm glad you like it.." Was all he could manage as he watched the bigger man devour the little cake. Watching each forkful intently down to the last one. Regexs was making little horsey sounds of pleasure as he polished off the plate, before setting it down carefully on the table and coming around to the younger man, opening his arms wide for a hug, which Lir leaned into gratefully.

"It was heavenly, Lirelexa. Honestly, wonderful." Lir buried his cheek against the bigger man's chest, his hands catching desperately in the fabric of his coat as he closed his eyes. He had made Regexs the cake, put all of himself into it. So now he had to let go. Now he spent these scant few moments burying himself deep. Hiding whatever feelings might remain for the older man beneath friendship, comrade, an easy acceptance. He could never let Reg know how he felt, except with that little wordless admission. That was all he could ever allow himself.

It was sad, but..at the same time, Lir felt himself smiling. At least he'd allowed himself something. It wasn't Reg's fault he couldn't love him like..like Lir wanted him to. So badly wanted him to.

"What was it, etoile? You've never made anything like that before." The question was unexpected, and Lir took a moment before opening his eyes again, raising his head.

"Oh it was.." and before he could stop himself, out of his lips slipped words he had not meant to say, but couldn't bring back once he had said them, "My heart.." He froze momentarily, startled by the words that had come out of his mouth. Before pushing out lamely, trying to save himself though the paused had gone on almost too long. "Cake..My heart cake. It's a special recipe. I just made it up." Regexs just smiled and hugged him closer, missing that second little confession of the night because he had not really understood it.

"Well, your heart cake was wonderful, Lirelexa. Will you make it again for me sometime?" Lir felt his eyes filling with tears as he dipped his head down suddenly, unable to look at Reg. His chest tight, he squeaked out painfully past a tightened throat. Calm, calm. He couldn't let Reg see his distress. So he calmed himself, pushed the pain away. Looked up with a little smile, though his eyes were still over bright with tears.

"I..I can't Regexs..I only ever had the one to give.."